Rosemary

In sharing my "being dissed by Brooke Shields in an elevator" story, I was reminded of the time that my friend, David, was in an elevator in his theatre-district apartment building. An elderly woman in a black floor-length gown was also in the elevator. David asked her if she was going to the theatre. She said yes - that she worked there. He asked if she were an usher. She graciously said no. They exited and went their separate ways. He then went to pick up his tickets for LOST IN YONKERS and realized that the woman was Rosemary Harris. (She really should stop dressing like an usherette.) By the way - that's Cliff Robertston in the photo, not David.

NICHOLAS KRISTOF, A SHORT WAKE, AND ME

OH YEAH - AND BROOKE SHIELDS, TOO.





So last week I went to a benefit for Ruth Messinger's AJWS honoring NICHOLAS KRISTOF of the NY Times & his new book HALF THE SKY and the HBO film REPORTER, which follows Nick on his research into Congo. Afterwards, I'm getting my book signed and I handed Nicholas a list of actions that people can take to help DARFUR & my business card & a postcard about A SHORT WAKE, by Derek Murphy, the show I'm co-producing. So here's a photo of me getting my book signed and I notice that the postcard is in the picture. I have got to be the best self-promoter ever.

Then I went to a reading of the new musical, EMPIRE, about the history of the Empire State Building, and I was in a tiny little elevator in midtown with a theatre general manager friend and BROOKE SHIELDS!!! I didn't know whether to give her my Darfur action list, my show postcard, my headshot, ask her if I can be a stand-in for her (since we're the same height if I were to wear 3-inch heels - and, by the way, I do know how to say "I prefer high heels" in Croatian, but that's a whole other story), ask her if she liked EMPIRE, or what. So just as I turned to look at her and ask her a question, any question, she turns and looks at the back wall, so I knew she didn't want me to say anything to her. Turning around to face the back in a 2' x 3' elevator is universal language for leave me the f*#k alone you producer/actor/activist/writer/researcher. Later, when I told the general manager that I froze in front of Brooke Shields, he said he didn't even realize she was in the elevator with us!!!! And I thought I was kicking MYself.

Crocodile Tears/Butterfly Effect, part 2 (of 1)

So I got called to audition as a gorilla scientist for THE ONION. They're going to be filming an internet production of a fake interview. I couldn't be more perfect, right? I look the part. But who knew that my bad acting was even TOO BAD FOR THE ONION!!! I was told to read the copy as a serious scientist, so I just read it straight, trying to sound blandish like Ben Stein or Stephen Colbert. But after the first read-through, the director says, could you read it now with NO emotion, please. NO EMOTION. I had just made myself completely devoid of any feeling and they still thought I was over-emoting. OMG, Gus. (I don't know who Gus is, but I had a dream last night that I started a publishing company called "OH MY GOD, GUS.") What the hey?

I also did a day of background work on UGLY BETTY. I was a pedestrian outside the WOOLWORTH'S BUILDING in NYC. (FYI, Woolworth's was my favorite store of all times. I even wrote and recorded a farewell song to the store when it finally closed, and I bought the Woolworth's Lip Balm display from my local Woolworth's store.) But I digress. This story is to say that I guess I should consider myself the Jewish Ugly (Uchly) Betty because they had me in some schmatte but, luckily, I never got on set in that outfit. However, in another scene I was walking behind Vanessa Williams as she exited "Meade Enterprises." Vanessa was to walk up the street in like 10-inch heels and a tight yellow designer dress. Not too shabby. Unlike me, in a black tank & green safari skirt. Oh wait - that's the outfit I also wore for my Gorilla Scientist audition. Anyway, once up the street, Vanessa would stop and talk to a character played by Piter Marek, then look at the camera with a conspiratorial grin. After a number of takes, we are down to the last 20 seconds of the shot and this cheery middle-aged Hispanic woman standing on the side, watching the action with other tourists, shouted out "HI, VANESSA!!!" The p.a.s went ballistic - "Lady, you just ruined the shot!" The lady apologized, but probably thought it was pretty funny, and it was, actually. Then, we shot it again and THIS time, an elderly woman in a bright, bright, pink top wandered into the scene, right behind Vanessa and Piter and just stood there, oblivious that anything was even being filmed, turning a 2-shot into a 3-shot. For once, I was glad it wasn't me causing the ruination of the shot. But you can look for the episode this coming season – it’s called THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT, Part 2.

While in the holding area for BETTY, a model/singer/actor/bicyclist named Michael was playing chess with another biker extra and started talking about his band and how he was going to change his band's name, but had to get the rights to it. I asked him what his band's name was going to be and he said it was in flux. I thought that was the name of the band. Michael In Flux. But it wasn't. He wouldn't say, until he gets the rights. I think he should call it, Oh My God, Gus.

I'm Going to Be on the Street with a Tin Can Soon

The continuing saga of EB's quest for Employment.
I fear the job search is not going well at all. Lisa, a childhood friend who produces commercials, recommended me highly to a casting director who casts commercials and industrials. They called me right away for an audition for an industrial to promote a new inhaler. I thought they were just going to be doing still shots but they videotaped a whole sequence of actions with the inhaler. We were supposed to make it look easy to use but I kept holding it wrong and nearly dropping it. It was huge and I'm so spastic. If I knew it was going to be choreographed, I might not have gone in for it - one fleeting look at my dancing and you'd know. Afterwards, I went to the Actors Fund to sign up for their work program and I saw in the mirror that I had a blob of mascara on my forehead!!!!! I am the worst actor ever known to mankind - you would think they could find a niche for me SOMEWHERE. (In any case, how often does one get to write, "It was huge and I'm so spastic"?) I feel so bad for Lisa - now they won't trust her ever again. Since my acting career was now in great question, I signed up to be a Census Worker and had to take a test to be eligible. I asked the person who called to schedule me what I'm supposed to wear - and she said, anything except pajamas. Now I have nothing to wear! The real reason I liked working freelance was that I could do it from home and stay in my pj's all day long. Well, that and the money. Damn. But I did take the test and I did get a 98.

30 Rock, Barney Greengrass and Me

Back in January of 2009, on a freezing cold day in NYC, I did background work on 30 ROCK, episode 315. I wore lots of green and looked unusually frumpy. It was a restaurant scene at Barney Greengrass. I played an Upper West Side Jewish woman (why'd they cast ME in that role?) who sat in the restaurant and drank black cherry soda. Also, I was pushing my way around at the counter. THAT was a stretch, because I was actually repulsed by the fish heads staring at me through the glass. Good thing I'm such a fine actress. Tina Fey was in the scene with JON HAMM!!!!! (of MAD MEN) - I didn't know which one to be more excited about until I saw Jon light up a cigarette while on a break, so he's off my list. (For those who don't know, at the time, he was the longtime partner of writer-actress Jennifer Westfeldt -- Rabbi Marshall Meyer's great - or is it grand? - niece.) While we were there, the cast & crew learned that the show was picked up for a 4th Season. Everybody cheered and then we went back to the kippers and sturgeon. Except for me, because I'm a vegetarian. SPOILER ALERT: The scenes were pretty funny, since the character that Hamm played got so many breaks just for being handsome. NAME-DROPPING ALERT: It was reunion time on set -- many of our actor friends - Peter Samuel, Rich Rothbell, Doug Shapiro - and NEW actor friends - Ashley Brooke Adelman and Leonid Citer. Turns out, Leonard worked for Olympia Dukakis & Louis Zorich in in the house where my sisters and I used to babysit for their kids. Just another small "Born in Defiance" world. Apparently Citer is Russian, but I don't believe it because when I sang him that old Russian folksong, Achi Vo Pachi Mu Eeniznayu sam, he didn't recognize it. Maybe it was my accent.

A few weeks ago, a friend called and said that she was walking by Barney Greengrass and in the window there were photos of Tina Fey and others from the day they shot 30 ROCK there. I ran over and sure enough, my little head is in the window of Barney Greengrass, in profile, facing the deli counter. So, I'm kinda famous at Barney Greengrass, the STURGEON KING. It's a start.

Note: In the accompanying photo (30 Rock - THE BUBBLE episode) I'm all the way to the left, in the green sweater, w/ a black cherry soda. I'm in other scenes in a green coat at the deli counter, but mostly you just see the back of my head.

Addendum: While in the deli, I was hoping I could sneak in a line and get upgraded to Principal on the show. The first line that got me into the actors union in the first place was on a soap opera. The scene was a coffee shop. I had to say to the character played by Darnell Williams, "Can I get a warm up over here please?" This began my life as a bad actor because when the Production Assistant gave me the cue to say my line, I thought he was giving me the cue to get up and walk somewhere so there I was, walking across the set, with just dead air, costing the network how many hundreds of dollars in wasted tape? By the way, I had to wear upscale clothes but nothing I had in my closet seemed right so Julie Flanders, of October Project, loaned me a purple jacket. This was also the beginning of my name-dropping ways.

Two Funnies

The other night I was eating in a new Indian restaurant in NYC with my sister and her husband. I was complimenting the samosas and said, "that was really good dough." My funny brother-in-law responded, "I've been waiting for good dough." I replied, "I've been waiting for Godot to leave."

Later, we were talking about the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas and I accidentally said, that was his "Came to Flame."

The Fear of String

An audition experience, or how my career in bad acting began

I called up my friend whose mother was a casting director and told her that I decided to be an actress so if her mom had any positions available could she please keep me in mind. A few days later, her mom called and said she had a Blue Cross HMO radio spot, could I come in and audition that day? I was working a temp job but said yes, if I could come during my lunch hour and she said okay, just have them buzz her when I got there.

So I got to the studio and there were about a quazillion people lining the halls, professional actors who had done many commercials, reading sides, and I got to go right in, ahead of them all. I had to say these lines like "something-o-phobia, fear of meteors...blahblah-o-phobia, fear of string...HMO phobia..." and it was all about silly fears. Well, I was so bad, my friend's mom kept giving me line readings -- (very professionally) "the fear of string" and I’d go (very fake sounding) "fear of string" and she'd go no, no, no, "the fear of string" and it went like that for around 25 minutes.

Finally, she just recorded whatever and then told me that she mostly casts men for voiceovers, but she'd call me if anything came up. It was her way of being nice about my terrible voiceover audition.

I left, relieved that I no longer had to pursue an acting career. Besides, I couldn't stand the thought of having to wait with all those other people.

The next day I got a call from my friend's mom - that the client liked it, I'd gotten the job! I only had one line to say...THE FEAR OF STRING!

So I went into the recording studio and saw this professional Broadway actress that I knew from LES MISÉRABLES and she was going to be the narrator of the commercial. She had lots of lines, including all the (very deep and sexy) "la-da-da-phobia" lines. So I was excited and they called her in first. About 5 minutes later she came out, smiling and chatting with the director and he invited her to come back the next day to do the tv spot, too.

Then I went in and they asked me to say my line very timidly, maybe like Woody Allen. So I said, "f-f-f-ear of of of of st-string" and they said please don't stutter. So then I just said (fake sounding & going up high on "string") the fear of string. So they started giving me line readings and again it was "the fear of string" (perfectly) and "the fear of string" (badly).

They tried having me shout it out in a total state of terror: THE FEAR OF STRING! so I did that and then they said to say it that exact same way but quieter. But again it was (mousy) "the fear of string."

Finally, in total frustration, the director came into the sound booth, put his arm around me, picked up a piece of thread from the carpeting and said, "this is string. But it's the scariest thing you've ever seen. It's a snake." And I'm thinking, it's a piece of rug, and I'm beginning to feel like Morales in A CHORUS LINE.

After about 25 minutes on this one line, I finally left and they figured they'd be able to get something out of it.

A week later, my sister called me and said that I just woke her up on the radio! There was a very strange nonsensical and inarticulate ad and suddenly in the middle of it she heard me shouting THE FEAR OF STRING! I heard it later, too, and it was the funniest thing we'd ever heard.

And I knew I was born to say that line!